A Proposal for the Gradual Abolition of Slavery in America

Whereas the residents of the United States of America are required to pay income taxes under threats of arrest and imprisonment, and whereas the residents of the USA are required to obey all rules and regulations promulgated by the federal government under threat of arrest and imprisonment, and whereas a reduction in income taxation is regarded by the federal government as an expenditure, it must be true that all income in the USA is the property of the federal government to spend as it sees fit, and it is clear that the residents of the USA are slaves of the federal government.

And whereas, in the 18th century, slaves in the Spanish colonies were allowed to obtain their individual freedom by purchasing one day a week after another from their masters, and whereas this was successful in that the masters were fully compensated and the slaves were freed without bloodshed, I, as a slave of the US federal government, do hereby propose to the Congress of the United States of America the following peaceful method of emancipating myself and my fellow slaves:

Congress shall establish the emancipation price of each slave based on the individual slave's value to Congress as a capital asset, using standard accounting principles. Congress shall then inform each slave of his or her emancipation price. When an individual slave has surrendered this amount to the Treasury department, that individual shall own himself and be emancipated. He or she shall forever be exempt from all federal taxes and from the requirement to obey federal laws and regulations (except those that happen to conform to natural law such as the prohibitions against murder, assault, rape, kidnapping, theft, and so forth, which are binding on all moral agents whether they are free or enslaved). Furthermore, any child of two emancipated parents shall also be forever free, provided that the child was conceived after both parents purchased themselves.

Humbly, I submit this proposal to the Congress of the United States of America in the hope that they will agree that the plan will benefit themselves while demonstrating their generous and humane concern for the welfare of their fellow Americans.

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